“You’ve been lying to me for a very long time. Almost every day these past years. You think I couldn’t tell that your behavior changed? It’s been over 18 years since we started dating and you thought I wouldn’t notice you were hiding something? I know when you lie. I can see it in your eyes, I can sense it in your tone.
I knew something was wrong, but I chose to ignore it. I convinced myself I was exaggerating. But over the time it became more and more clear to me. When you get home from work, you eat, you do some paperwork and then you go to sleep. No “Good Night”, no nothing.
I started to feel less desirable. Almost invisible. I tried my best to improve our communication, to ask you if something’s wrong, but it seemed like you barely noticed me. I just wanted to know what I did wrong. Was something not enough for you? I didn’t even have a chance to talk to you. You were never home. You always had something more important, an urgent meeting at work, an evening with the boys…
The day I found out my whole world collapsed. I was heartbroken, but relieved because finally I knew the reason behind. You, avoiding me in every possible way. I still wasn’t ready to confront you, so we continued with our “normal” routine. You – thinking I don’t know a thing. And me – hoping everything will someday be as it once was.
After a year of pretending, as you are aware, I got diagnosed with cancer. I hid my diagnosis for a while since I wasn’t sure if you should know. And when I finally told you, you hugged me. I felt I was loved once again. At least I hoped it was love. Suddenly, you had more free time and you wanted to spend it with me. You complimented my meals, thanked me for being a good wife and even complimented my appearance.
It seemed like everything was falling into place. Until, I found out you were still contacting her, and occasionally seeing her. My world collapsed again. It was even more painful than the first time. But I kept quiet. I was so in love I just wanted you to notice me. Every night I was falling asleep crying, because I couldn’t take that image out of my mind, you – hugging someone else.
You – stroking someone else’s hair. I was so naive believing you were still feeling something for me. It was nothing else, but a pity. And that was the hardest thing I had to accept. It was very difficult for me to resist the urge and cry like a baby when your phone rang, because I knew it was her. I just wanted to run away and never come back, since you didn’t feel like home anymore. You betrayed me in the worst possible way. Once again.
But don’t worry my love, I don’t have much time left anyway. Soon, you won’t have to go behind my back anymore. And then, I’ll be just a bad and an unwanted memory. Maybe even a mistake that stole your happiness. I am sorry I was the reason you couldn’t be with the woman you love. I am truly sorry I wasn’t enough for you and I couldn’t fulfill your needs. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you I know everything, but one of us had to be honest. Besides everything, I do not hate you, I still love you like the very first day.
Hopefully, one day, you’ll find this letter and realize how much you meant to me. You didn’t lie to me, you lied to yourself. I hope you’ll find the love of your life after I’m gone. But please don’t make them cry. Do not let them shed even one single tear because of your cowardice. Thank you for all the years you made me feel loved and desired. “ The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.